I’m Getting Divorced

The title may be a bit dramatic, given that I am not married. Or even in any sort of more-than-platonic relationship. 

It does reflect the anxiety that has been coursing through my veins for the past…. 16 hours. 

Last night one of my roommates (I have two) told me that she wanted out of our room. This is not out of spite or hurtful intentions. I understand that this wasnt working for her, and it would ho estly help our friendship more if we did NOT live together. 

That doesn’t mean O didn’t cry and hace like… 5 anxiety attacks since last night. 

However we dont ecen know if it can happen yet, as it has to be approved by our RD. I know it’s for the best, but it still makes me really sad. 

I akso haven’t really worked much on the list of positive affirmations about myself. 

Honestly, I am stressed out so much and I cannot actually tell my real life friends about this mess because she asked me to keep it between us until she has the mess sorted out. 

She is talking to the RD today, and I hope this is over fairly quickly. 

*sigh* I am also afraid of how the other roommate will react. 

So in other news… I don’t really have any other news… I have a ton of homework I need to work on, with 0 motivation.

I hope all of you people are having a wonderful day. I will keep you updated on this divorce situatio.  

Trust Yourself

There has been a lot going on this school year. As always, my brain is a mess and trying to sort out any thoughts or feelings about anything is proving difficult.

Because of this, I started going to a counselor recently, and he had me watch a video called “The Anatomy of Trust”  as one of the things I told him was that I am trash at making friends. A very true fact about myself.

I watched the video and even took notes as I watched (#nerdalert!). I tried to understand the areas at which I was failing people.

I took the notes with me the next time I talked to my counselor.I went through the list, trying to figure out where I was going wrong. The thing is, I realized I couldn’t pick a place to start because where my friends are involved, I typically did all of the things suggested.

We started talking about other reasons that people may not trust me. Or why I typically feel like a bad friend. I looked back at my notes and noticed something at the bottom I hadn’t thought back on.

I had written “This list applies to self trust as well”

I was a bit stunned and said “I think I found the problem”

He agreed. Not trusting yourself can cause other people to not trust you either. He said it was because we know ourselves better than anyone else, and if we can’t trust ourselves, why should anyone else.

That shocked me a bit. It’s not like I am intentionally not trusting myself. I didn’t even realize that I DIDN’T trust myself. But as I looked over the list once again, I realized that none f the elements apply to how I treat myself, or feel about myself.

So, I am slowly woking on trusting myself. This week my homework is to write a list of positive things about myself. That is… going.

I plan to upload that when it’s finished.

I do recommend watching that video though, as she makes some really good points about why we trust people. Trust isn’t built in big moments of life or death. They are built through smaller, subtle moments.

I hope you are all doing well and have a wonderful day!

COMMENT QUESTION: How did you learn to trust yourself?

-Violet Knight Owl

I Think I Need This

Expressing things out loud is kind of a messy thing for me. Whenever I try my words just sort of fall out of my mouth into an incoherent heap of…. words.

When expressing something important it makes it hard. People who are close to me can interpret my odd use of language but trying to communicate with normal humans is like trying to interpret another language.

I don’t really get it.

Although I guess this wouldn’t matter much to you… However… Writing is different. While writing I make the rules.

I am in charge of my writing and what it means. It may still use odd language to communicate basic concepts, and to be honest, if I am writing it I know it will.

When I am writing… I can be anonymous. People can listen to my voice in the words that I use rather than by what I speak. People will know me through my words rather than the mess of a person who exists beyond the screen.

I am in control of what you know about me, and I think I need that right now. I need something… An outlet of sorts… To express all this confusion that is plaguing my mind. I need to be able to express my not so popular views unfiltered…. For once in my life.

I need to figure out what those views are.

I need to figure out who I am and what I believe. Once and for all.

I need to learn to trust myself, and be who I was created to be.

I need to stop thinking of myself in such a negative way.

I guess I need to do a lot of things. But I hope this blog can be an anonymous, yet non-judgemental place to help me get there. Wherever there may be…

I suppose this blog is here now, for me to have a place to get my mess off my chest. Not exactly tell my story. Maybe a bit, but in a very discreet way. I just need a place to be… not me.

So… I invite you to join me on this quest, although from what I understand about life, he journey to healing is quite long. And I don’t even know where I want to end up… Just bear with me and I am sure it will be figured out eventually.

Thank you for reading this awkward blog post, my dear new friends. Prepare for a lot of weird, messy posts ahead!

-Violet Knight Owl (An Alias… Obvi)